thoughts

Feeling a bit Lonely

I think before Facebook I was pretty lonely. And I’m realizing, even now that I am somewhat still lonely. I guess I put on a really good show, because it doesn’t look that way to others. But, inside, I feel pretty lonely. I know I’m not really alone, but the feeling is still there.

Growing up, I moved around a lot and ended up being the new girl wherever I went. At first I was quiet and shy, but over time I guess I got over it. Or, being the new girl just became so familiar to me that I didn’t feel out of my element. In fact, I felt so excited when it was time to leave high school and go to college because I couldn’t wait for a change in scenery. I find that happening with me in my adult life from time to time.

So, now that I’m a mom, I don’t feel that way as much. I’m craving that familiarity. And I’m craving those deep meaningful friendships that I’ve observed others having. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do have friends, but I don’t have that one friend that knows me more than anyone else. And we share that special bond that will last time or any other relationship. Sure, I have an amazing friendship with my husband, my cousin, and my sister, but it’s not the same to be honest. Those relationships are a different type of connection. And I truly thought for a long time that that’s all I really needed. But, there are times where I crave more.

I don’t know if I can really explain the type of friendship I’m referring to. I think those words don’t really exist. It’s just such a special bond.

Maybe those relationships are so special because they are also very rare. Who knows! Or maybe I had mine and inadvertently destroyed that relationship.

I used to have a best friend that I loved and thought we would be close forever, but somehow that relationship came to an end a few days before my wedding. We were inseparable in the third grade and when I moved away, we were great pen pals. We would write each other or call to check in from time to time and I found it amazing how connected we were even though we were miles away from each other. But, then my wedding came, and I guess I said something that offended her and then it was over. I really couldn’t tell you what it was. I mean, I could describe to you exactly what happened and yet I’m still confused. I even apologized for my actions, but I guess it didn’t mean anything. It hurts my heart just thinking about it though. Maybe some day that relationship could be restored.

I’ve lost a few other pretty decent relationships, but most of those pretty much just ran their course. I am, however, pretty close to one person from college. But, we live just a tad bit too far from each other and she’s pretty busy. I should probably call her to check in now that I’m thinking about her. Now that relationship is one that I cherish a lot and I’m sure we will remain friends for a really long time. I don’t know why that’s not enough for me. I mean it used to be.

I’m guessing that as I get older, my values change slightly and different things take on new meaning. I still prefer a good quality friendship over having a huge group of friends. I also wish there was a better way to describe the relationship I’m craving other than best friend or really close friend.

Let me also make this clear before someone gets offended by this post. I belong to a huge community of moms and babies. We are all pretty like minded and interact with one another practically on a daily basis. And yes, some of us are closer than others. But, this community of moms is just that, a community. And we are all there for our children first. Maybe over time, one of these friendships that I have will blossom into what I’m searching for, but for now, the craving is still strong. I do really enjoy the company of a handful or so of these women and would love if our budding friendships survived life’s obstacles. Only time will tell and unfortunately I’ve already experience some challenging situations in the short amount of time that I’ve been apart of the group. But, that’s just life.

Anyway, I’m not really sure if any of this made sense, but I’m up pretty late and this was on my mind, so I figured I’d share.

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